"Season 1, Episode 2: It's a right handed America"
The other day I was at work taking notes in a meeting, when I noticed that my pen had some language on the side. As I peered down to my left hand to read it, I noticed that the words were upside down. Then I put the pen in my right hand and magically the words were right side up. After the meeting, I went back to my desk and pulled out every pen that had words. Each pen was suited for the right handed man, and left the left handed man to take the time to turn the pen around to read it.
I feel America is racist to left handed people. I said it. Some nay-sayers say that left handed people are not discriminated against at all. Well I say to you, Mr. and/or Mrs. Nay-sayer, which hand do you write with? Heck, even the word we use to describe our written form of communication is called "write." The fore-fathers who dictated our diction were racist to us lefties.
I have a friend who calls me "south-paw." I guess this is a term for left handed people. I find this derogatory. Why am I defined by the hand that I write with? Why can't I be judged by things that matter? I should be defined by how I contribute to society, or by the brand of clothes I wear, not by the means to which I sign a check, or the hand I hold my fork in.
Both Presidential candidates, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain are left handed. My vote usually goes to the left handed candidate, but this election, I will not vote for the candidate who I agree with economically, socially, morally, or natural resourcefully. Nay, I will vote for the candidate who has the best "left handed society reform." When will the United States of America return to driving on the left side of the road like the rest of the world? When will this country tis of thee restore itself to its' values and remove the right arm from all the CEO's of the pen companies who cater to the right and discriminate the left. Even our current President, Father George W. Bush, is always saying "the left is wrong," and "the left wants to ruin America." Please excuse me while I go throw up, and then weep. To all you Conservative right handed Americans reading this, please note that Ronald Reagan was left handed. Let that soak in. Yes, Ronny Reagan, the fifth face on Mt. Rushmore, was left handed (15% of every 51 "Reaganites" tried to convert to left handedness).
As you can see, it is a right handed world. If you still don't believe me, if you think I am over exaggerating, why don't you ask Ms. Amanda Onion of ABC NEWS what her opinion is? If you want to know, she said:
"Statistics show left-handed people are more likely to be schizophrenic, alcoholic, delinquent, dyslexic, and have Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis, as well as mental disabilities. They're also more likely to die young and get into accidents. So if evolutionary theory dictates survival of the fittest, why do lefties still exist?"
To strengthen my argument that America is against Lefties, our own American Broadcasting Company, ABC, is calling for the destruction of left handed people. We need help.
Jesus, take the wheel (with your left hand).
3 comments:
brilliant!
yet painstakingly true.
can we still get married even though I'm right handed?
my left foot, however, is curiously predominant to the right if that helps my case any...
Adam this post has enlightened me to a very real problem within our nation. I am very disturbed by the direction we are headed. And so I'm forced to make a very drastic decision. And that is. That. I will move from this country as soon as I possibly can, to a place where left-handed people are treated with the respect and dignity they truly deserve. Thank you for your courage in writing about this very sensitive and pivotal topic.
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