July 27, 2008

Season 1 Episode 5: Special Guest

I was recently a special guest on local celebrities TV show. Check it out!

July 24, 2008

Season 1, Episode 4: The most truest art I have ever seen.

July 14, 2008

Season 1 Episode 3: Express Lanes and Apples

The other day I was at Walmart. I know. I know. Let's just try to move on. I wanted to get some fishing gear and really no other place came to mind that would be open at 8pm, so I went. Where I went to college, 90% of my classmates were Wal-mart lovers, which is a big reason I despise the place. But we all have moments of weakness and this was mine. I digress.

When I finally got all my tackle, I went to the "express lane" because I had less than 12 items. I don't know why the number is 12, but it is. As I was standing in line, holding a fishing pole, a mini tackle box, some hooks and some swivels, I was approached by a middle aged, half toothed, flannel wearing fellow who smelled of the Walmart food court. 

"Doing some fishing there, fella?" I looked at him, and after my long day at work and the ever continuing realization of my detrimental behavior by even setting foot in Wal-mart, I was in no mood to talk. "It appears that way," I muttered back to him. "Well by God, if you don't say, well just the other day me and Peggy Sue here were just talking about getting our old fishing poles out of the closet and going to catch us dinner. You know with gas prices and all."

At this point, I was oblivious to the point he was trying to make. I didn't know if he was trying to equate high gas prices with the cost of going out to eat, or the cost of driving to buy groceries. Because my mind works in a way I don't even understand, I began to determine the what the probability was that this man and said Peggy-Sue lived on or near a lake that had eatable fish. I don't see many lakes here in Colorado, and the ones that I do see have very luxurious houses surrounding them. So, following that logic, I determined that if these people were going to fish, they would have to drive to the lake where they would do the fishing, which would mean that the potential fisherman/woman would not be saving money on gas at all.

As Wal-mart food court man was talking, I began to look at Peggy-Sue's (who was in line ahead of me) cart. At first I glanced at it to determine their income, so I could determine if they lived on a lake. But my attention quickly turned to something greater; the amount of items in their basket.

They did not have 12 items. After multiple counts, I counted 22 and 23 and 25 items respectively (food court man added a Snickers to the basket between my first and second counts, and a fishing magazine and a box of Mike and Ike's between my second and third counts). I was outraged. Could they not read the sign? 12 Items or Less. It's not hard to comprehend. It's not even a complete sentence! There isn't a verb or action in the content. It mearly says, if you have 12 items, or 11, heck, even 9, you can frequent this line. All others use one of the other 54 cashiers. 

No one enforces this law, so that's why people can abuse this law. For how "American" Wal-mart claims to be, they do a pretty awful job of enforcing the laws of their own commonwealth. As Peggy-Sue was unloading her plethora of items onto the belt, I was making eyes at the security guard, trying to get him to see what I'm seeing. Unfortunately, the Security Guard was too busy talking to someone at the convenient barber shop in Wal-mart to notice. And the cashier, well, she may have been able to help me, but I didn't want to interrupt her because as she was checking Peggy-Sue and food court man out, she was talking away on her cell phone. "So last night, I was at this party, and omg Davy Jones came up to me and was like Tiffany, you have the prettiest braces in all of Jefferson County. And omg Sally I was so - that'll be $54.32 - where was I, oh I was so amazed that he noticed because I had my Ortho doctor, who's so cute, use his favorite colors for the rubber bands in my braces! I know...I know...yellow and navy magenta. I heard him tell Johnny in biology he loved navy magenta!"

This is a problem we face, and I don't like it. People are never going to challenge this rule, because frankly, the institutions themselves don't challenge it. The only moral I can find to this whole mess is to just shop online. No lines. Ever. And we should all just stay away from Wal-mart. Because it's straight sin, and King's students believe it falls somewhere between Jesus and the Holy Spirit in the Trinity.

Also, I'd like to add a little segment to AdamVue. Usually, I at AdamVue will mostly highlight things that are wrong with society and pop-culture. AdamVue is a lighthouse of sorts that exposes these flaws and allow the readers of this blog to take action. However, I'd like to briefly touch on issues or objects that society and pop-culture need to embrace more. Plus, it's always nice to end with something positive. So, without further adieu, I'd like to share something that I feel is a treasure in today's world: 

Apples.

I've always felt like I've had a natural, subconscious connection to Apples. When I was a mere boy, my mother would feed me apples like it was all we had. I would start with the skin. Mother would peel it off for me and I would eat just the skin. Then, I would move onto the apple itself. When I was finished, I would run to the backyard and plant the seeds that I found in the apple, hoping to produce an apple tree (Habeas Applus). Apples just are something we need, and they taste good in pie, in drinks, in the summer, in the winter, in the fall, and yes, even in the spring. Heck, I bet you could be in Iraq, in the middle of a fire fight with the terrorists, and you could pull an apple out of your gear and be just as happy as Peggy-Sue's husband at the local Wal-marr KFC/Subway/Taco Bell.

May I suggest, as one final parting piece of gold, that you all try Sonic's Apple LimeAid. It's unreal. 

See you next time.

AdamVue June 24, 2008

"Season 1, Episode 2: It's a right handed America"

The other day I was at work taking notes in a meeting, when I noticed that my pen had some language on the side. As I peered down to my left hand to read it, I noticed that the words were upside down. Then I put the pen in my right hand and magically the words were right side up. After the meeting, I went back to my desk and pulled out every pen that had words. Each pen was suited for the right handed man, and left the left handed man to take the time to turn the pen around to read it.

I feel America is racist to left handed people. I said it. Some nay-sayers say that left handed people are not discriminated against at all. Well I say to you, Mr. and/or Mrs. Nay-sayer, which hand do you write with? Heck, even the word we use to describe our written form of communication is called "write." The fore-fathers who dictated our diction were racist to us lefties. 

I have a friend who calls me "south-paw." I guess this is a term for left handed people. I find this derogatory. Why am I defined by the hand that I write with? Why can't I be judged by things that matter? I should be defined by how I contribute to society, or by the brand of clothes I wear, not by the means to which I sign a check, or the hand I hold my fork in.

Both Presidential candidates, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain are left handed. My vote usually goes to the left handed candidate, but this election, I will not vote for the candidate who I agree with economically, socially, morally, or natural resourcefully. Nay, I will vote for the candidate who has the best "left handed society reform." When will the United States of America return to driving on the left side of the road like the rest of the world? When will this country tis of thee restore itself to its' values and remove the right arm from all the CEO's of the pen companies who cater to the right and discriminate the left. Even our current President, Father George W. Bush, is always saying "the left is wrong," and "the left wants to ruin America." Please excuse me while I go throw up, and then weep. To all you Conservative right handed Americans reading this, please note that Ronald Reagan was left handed. Let that soak in. Yes, Ronny Reagan, the fifth face on Mt. Rushmore, was left handed (15% of every 51 "Reaganites" tried to convert to left handedness).

As you can see, it is a right handed world. If you still don't believe me, if you think I am over exaggerating, why don't you ask Ms. Amanda Onion of ABC NEWS what her opinion is? If you want to know, she said:

"Statistics show left-handed people are more likely to be schizophrenic, alcoholic, delinquent, dyslexic, and have Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis, as well as mental disabilities. They're also more likely to die young and get into accidents. So if evolutionary theory dictates survival of the fittest, why do lefties still exist?"

To strengthen my argument that America is against Lefties, our own American Broadcasting Company, ABC, is calling for the destruction of left handed people. We need help.

Jesus, take the wheel (with your left hand).

AdamVue June 20, 2008

I'd like to briefly describe the objective of this blog. The goal of this blog is to clearly articulate the way I view different topics. It's pretty simple, really.

The first topic is: Drop Ceilings

Drop Ceilings serve literally no purpose. I find them a waste of time and space. Do you realize how much space is wasted with a drop ceiling? There is a good 3 to 4 feet of usable footage between the drop ceiling and the actual ceiling. Some construction savvy individuals maintain that a drop ceiling is necessary for running some piping for heating and cooling, as well as installing certain brands of ceiling lights. I, however, believe this is a cop-out and lose respect for anyone who supports drop ceilings in any way, shape, or form.

My parents installed a drop ceiling in their basement a few summers ago, and to this day I hold them responsible for the demise of their downstairs living quarters. The room is practically a room for dwarfs. So much space was lost in the vacancy between the drop and the actual ceiling.

Drop ceilings do nothing for American homeowners but provide less room for their living quarters as well as supply terrorists with a crawlspace to maneuver secretly in their formally spacious homes.